Holding On - Reality Meets Entropy

I am no good for anyone.  I only cause pain for others, and only focus on my own.  It's best for me to be alone permanently and only look from a distance and hope God blesses others and protects them from evil people like me.  I have no purpose, no plan, no options.  With my scientific mind I have a hard time with faith and the older I get the dimmer it gets, and the world that used to be amazing and filled with color and light is now faded to grey.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I fear death and life equally which has stopped me from moving at all.  I am lukewarm and entropy is taking it's toll on all of us.  All we can do is look at the young and see that sparkle and wonder that we used to have.  We know how things go but we don't want to ruin it for them.  Let them be happy and joyful in their imagination with endless possibilities, giving us a short reminder of how we thought life would turn out to be.  Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny; all fade quickly then there is nothing left but Christ and a world of despair.

Past childhood everyone goes into a downhill slide of misery.  Reality starts to tremble as we realize we have been tricked in our perception.  We hold onto objects and purpose for dear life to feel alive and to try and postpone the inevitable.  We all grow up thinking we will live forever.  Most elderly people still think something will happen to keep them going.  Because our minds are trained to wake up and go to sleep and after years of that we think it will never end.  It's like training a dog.  Our perception is false and time and age slowly drop down the veil of the utter chaos, evil, and dread that the fall has created for us, and the realization of the deep evils inside of us that will never be gone until glorification.  We all chose sin and now we live in temporary hell.

I don't want to spoil life for anyone.  But once the veil falls you can never get back up again.  We can't save ourselves in any way.  We must stop looking for answers and be silent, trusting no other human beings for deep revelation.  Only God's domain is true reality.  All of this is hell with sprinkles on top and as we eat our way down we realize what we have bitten into, what we have entered into.  We all have been tricked.  We live in the first hell which is bound by time.  And Satan is the king of this world.  How can we have any happiness in this world if we understand how horrid it really is, how disgusting our minds and mouths are.  How can we pray with the same toungue that curses others in so many ways, most of which we don't even realize.  

Light just doesn't spark back up once it's put out.  We wait in silence for the Creator, we have failed and can only hope that His Kingdom will one day be our home.  That hope is all we will ever have for permanent purpose and understanding, joy and peace.  But right now we are for sure in a bad place and must understand this is not our home.  How can we enjoy anything that isn't a blessing from God?  How can we be entertained by sports, violence, hobbies to take our minds off reality.  We wake up and know we must do anything to survive, hoard everything we can as backup if something goes wrong.  We are sliding down a wet rope and throughout life we have moments where we can hold on tight for a little while and pretend just like we did as children.

God have mercy on us all.